It could be worse...

But it's fine just the way it is now. I miss my family. I thought I'd miss my mom the most but actually it's my dad. I told him I was him for a day last week. I hope he thought it was a good thing. While there are a million things that bother me that he does or says or doesn't do or doesn't say, to have the character of my father, his resolve, that would be something I could spend a thousand lifetimes trying to attain and never reach.

Putting that goal aside...I watch a lot of movies. In "Requiem for a Dream," the world the characters created for themselves came crashing down, but not before they relish in the ideas they have for grandeur. "I like thinking about your father. I like thinking about the red dress," said the mother. Sometimes I get scared that my reminiscing will lead me down the road to perdition. But for now, I'll let myself indulge in the memories I carry with me.

...We sat in a booth, but in the open, at a park. We should have been in school. But how could I resist the chance to spend time with her when all I wanted to do was hear her speak, hear her ideas? I couldn't, plain and simple. So there I was, with her, enjoying our lunches and contemplating spending forbidden time together. Class was fast approaching but there we sat, the wind scattering the shrubs and what was left of the leaves all around on that fall day. Her hair blew in the wind too, as always, soft to the touch...

I can remember all this so clearly, but now I can't even remember why we don't do this anymore. Why our days together ended or why our conversations grew silent. Maybe if I could, I'd feel better. Maybe I'd regret it. Hell, I do regret not having someone like her around anymore. These days, everything is for everyone else. Nothing is my own anymore. Not that she was a possession, but we were just us. Nobody else mattered in those moments we spent together. I spend most of my days now working, either on the clock or on homework. I don't mind, but when I come home and relax, I wish she was still there to hear about it all, and I wish she would tell me about her day.

Her specifically? Honestly, maybe not. Maybe I just want there to be someone. There's someone these days who I would love to be like this with. But again I say honestly, that she was the best of all that I've known. Those were the days, weren't they? Yeah, those were the days.