The time to run is definitely at hand...

Geographic Solution? Perhaps. I realized the other day that my biggest regret was staying. Staying here. In town. In state. I had the chance to leave 3 fucking times and I let them pass me by. What a waste. Yeah, I would have missed out on a lot and everything would have been different, but I could live with that. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. All the good thus far hasn't outweighed the bad.

So now history repeats itself, as always, the but geographic solution isn't an option this time around. History with a twist, I suppose. For better or worse this is my home. I have to make ends meet with what I've got. It's amazing what you learn when people talk right in front of you because they think you're asleep. "If he comes back home, he can sleep on the couch."

Thanks Dad.

Does any of this make sense to you? No, I didn't think so. But that's not really the issue, is it now? No, the issue is what to do about all this. An instructor I once had told me to find one thing to work on, just one, and master it. Over the years, if there's anything I've mastered it's how to get away from my problems. Only this time, I'm not physically going anywhere. Like I said, history with a twist.

The roulette wheel has dozens of spots. What are the chances that the ball lands on the right one again? Slim. I'll just complicate the odds by going from red to black...

 ...and you'll never find me again.

So one day very soon, I'll bid you adieu and goodbye, all the while wishing you the best of luck which I never had or threw away; I don't know which one is worse. All I can advise you on is to make the best of your own.

I'm not quite sure, though, that you realize the implications of it all. I don't think you appreciate the severity of the situation.

I'm tired.
It's cold.
You win.

What more do you want to hear? Isn't winning enough? Or do you feel the need to not simply conquer your opponent but also crush them? Something tells me yes. It's not about victory anymore. It's all about ego, about pride and success. Just to say you won. Glory, I suppose. Me? It's only about survival. I don't have the luxury of dreaming about climbing a mountain when the responsibility of getting out of this nightmare like hole is still high priority.

You think you'd like to help, but that'd be suicide, for both us. No sane person would hurt themselves like that, and I can assure you that's all that would happen. As for me, I'd grow dependent and eventually when you're gone, sooner than you think, I'd be left alone to fend for myself. Why would I develop a dependency when I can avoid it now? I'd be crazy to do that, so I'll take the road less traveled and avoid all injury. Besides, I've fought for too long and have too many stories and scars that no amount of help could ever alleviate them all. I could have been the champion, but I'm just too damn tired to even be a contender.

Y Volvere - Los Angeles Negros