The warm-up problem in math today made a lot of sense...

At first glance, I thought to myself, "How on earth am I going to figure this out?" But after a minute of trying it and working some stuff out, it made sense and I got it right. I like math in that regard, because it's just a matter of taking what you've learned and applying it to the situation at hand. Nothing else to worry about besides the rules that the numbers follow on their own. 4 isn't going to get all mad and not cooperate with 7. 6 doesn't fall in love with 3 and forget about it's responsibility to multiply itself with 11. And 12 certainly doesn't owe 2 any money. But people aren't like that. People, including all the ones you know, have emotions and character and personality that gets in the way of understanding them a lot of the time.

I suppose I'm mad at someone, but not for anything they've done really. I can't really be mad at them because in all honesty, I'm doing the same thing, just with a different set of variables and people. It would be hypocritical to get angry with them for it when I'm the same way. Really, I think it's jealousy. But I shouldn't even feel jealousy towards them; instead I should be upset with myself because nobody holds me back but myself. I guess you could call it morality, but that's an entirely different issue with other people right now. No, this issue is really about lions and a watering hole. I don't have the heart to drink all the water and rule the pack because some lions will get left out. Did that make any sense? I don't think so, but all the better.

One to the left, one to the west, and one across the airwaves. I can understand their anger.

As a rule of thumb, wisdom and age go together. They're directly proportional, for the most part. Some people who are substantially older than me I think are idiots, and some people who are much younger than me I think are geniuses. But I chatted with a friend who is older and wiser in regard to many things and he says that I'm in a mine field.

"Dude, you need to back up the way you came into this." Perhaps. Probably. Okay, you're right. But something tells me that in practice, I'm going to end up losing an arm or leg before I realize that I need to turn around and get out as fast as humanly and parapalegically possible.

I just wish that life was as easy to understand, predict and even manipulate like a math problem is. But it's not. It's not and so the last week was filled with much more than I would have liked it to have been. At least I still live by a zero-sum gain rule, and while people may have shit on me, whether they heard it through the grapevine or from me, I still have something on them. If someone ever crossed me and the need to fire back arose, I'd use what I know about them and they'd regret the day they thought they could get away with shit.

I mentioned morality before. It's a sticky issue, that morality. I do what people might consider immoral, and what others might consider normal. Normal vs. Immoral. I guess it's all up to the one who is committing the act. But regardless of who it's up to, the rest of the world will still judge according to what they think as an individual. Shit, you just can't get away with it, and right now, it's at the center of my world. I almost wish I didn't know anything about it, because it's as though I'm forced to pick the side of my morality over a person who has done the right thing recently but will still have to pay the price.

I don't know how good I have it though. I have my health, a roof over my head, money in the bank and a family that loves me. Friends and school aren't too much to deal with either. Mainly the turmoil of my life originates in this balloon of hot air on top of my neck that seems to get me into all sorts of trouble with people. Really, I just don't know how to appreciate what I've got. In one of my favorite movies, a burglar says that is the whole point of robbing someone. The victim doesn't appreciate what they've got until it's gone. "You take it away, you show them what they had." I guess it's been so long since I felt the pain of losing everything, around 3 years or so, that I've grown complacent and I don't appreciate what I've still got. Go figure.

I do appreciate certain things though. Like my job, my apartment, my family, the loca, the other loca, my freedom and my ability to write all this down so I don't go crazy one day because really, I'm a happy person I just don't know how to show it since I don't smile well. Josh read my page one day and said I seemed to just be having a bad day. Sabs says I inspire her to write again. Faustine says I write for an audience. All three of those might have been right at the time, but this post is for me and me alone. You can read it, but don't bother trying to figure it all out because I've not told anyone what's all going on and you could only find bits and pieces to fit while the rest would seem disjoint. If you need to know, you'll find out along the way. But just know that I wish sometimes things were as simple as the good ol' days, that my mom and dad had all the answers still...that life were as easy as 2+2.

On a closing note, have a good day, because I know I will. Life is full of the unexpected, and right now, it's definitely gearing up to throw me something I never saw coming. Sabrina says I can't have a girlfriend because then I won't have time for Superfriends. I just made fun of her yesterday because I think she missed me. Either way, the time for superfriends is sorely needed and missed, so this week I think I'm going to have to put it in high gear and kick it like nobody's business. This last paragraph doesn't make any sense, but then again life doesn't either, so remember that 2+2=5.

Hysteria - Muse