It doesn't matter if you holla or whisper...

Because I've got my ear to the ground. I wish I could say everything that's running through my head right now but I've just waken up so it's all a little disjoint. It's there though. No doubt about that. Weird, because last night I was optimistic while posting, and today when I awake, I have a world of doubt and insecurity floating around up in my head. It's not spontaneous though, because last night's phone call made a world of difference.

Somewhere around 3:30 in the morning, my phone rings and my friend is on the other end, asking me why I didn't come over Wednesday. Aside from being drunk, she was already pissed off or depressed, and when I inquired, she told me that her brother got the shit beat out of him the other night. Needless to say, the possibilities ran rampant in my head. Why didn't I just go Wednesday, and then maybe I could have kept his ass out of trouble like he knows how to get into. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of dilemmas, but nothing like he gets into. Of course, this will just be one of many times that I'll add to the list of "What if I had...???" That list is growing too long. And it sucks ass when it's a friend who suffers because I'm too scared of a little drama to spend any time with them.

I need to go running and it needs to keep raining. That's my own little escape. I need some sort of downtime where I am fully devoted to thinking shit out. Wait, maybe what I need to do is get my ass over there to visit them. Because all this thinking shit through grows real old, real fast. Then again, like I said yesterday, I've got to take care of myself first and foremost, before I can concern myself with anyone else. A wounded soldier can't fight any war, so how could I ever help any of my friends when my life is in disarray? I don't think it'd be very practical, so I've just got to stick with what I said last night, and that is that I need to take care of myself before anyone else.

Tine Vessels - Death Cab For Cutie