I'm worried now...

I do that a lot, according to most. I worry about this and that and him and her and you and me. Sometimes people tell me, "You worry too much about what other people think about you." I used to say "I worry what other people think of me because what they think of me affects how they treat me and I don't want to be treated like shit." I've always been satisfied with that answer, and I'm not sure why I stopped saying it, but it still holds true.

I'm starting to get worried about where I'm living next year. If I stay here, there'll be a little bit of a headache arranging that. If I move, I need to find a house soon. The one I really wanted Sabs didn't like the sound of because there was an apartment above it, and the other one I really want hasn't called me back yet.

I'm worried about other stuff too. There are supposedly these rules you have to abide by to be a good person according to most, even those who claim they don't care what you do. I don't like listening to most rules because it makes me live by another person's ideas of what is right and wrong...

Therein lies the contradiction...

How can I not want to follow the rules because I don't want to live by another person's standards, but then worry what they think of me because they'll treat me poorly. Actually, it's not a contradiction, just hope for an ideal world. I think the only true objective stance one can take is that everyone is different. I don't want to be treated poorly, so I concern myself with what others think, but I don't change for them. I am still living by my own rules, I just am aware that there are consequences. And I won't live by another's rules because I'd just be a satellite of them, their extension. So ideally, if everyone could accept that they are singular, unique among all others and that everyone should be treated with respect, then everyone could live by their own rules.

"Que bonito suena, no?" Damn it though, there's still a contradiction there. I guess that's why we live, to find a way to balance who we are with who we want to be. Finally, I concern myself with how I am go to about getting out of this rut I seem to find myself in...

What will happen to a face in the crowd
when it finally gets too crowded?
And what will happen to the origins of sound
after all the sounds have sounded?

Nobody knows, and nobody likes to travel alone. Especially when they're headed off in a dangerous direction. Well, I suppose that it's time to saddle up and ride, because the people around me aren't willing to take this trip, and I certainly can't stay here. If anyone wants to follow, I'm already on my way, so you're too late. But you might be able to follow my tracks and pick up the trail. It's up to you, and I have to tell you that I won't wait or look back, because nobody ever wanted to go in the first place. You're on your own, just like I am.

The Boy's Gone Home - Jason Mraz.