There's nothing I miss more than what I took for granted...

Is that how everyone feels? I wonder, because it's what plagues me right now. I don't want to think about the things I've lost or used to have because they're just that: lost. I think it's funny that I have a weird memory. I remember all the useless shit and can't remember to pay my taxes. My failures remind me of everything I wish I could forget. And right now, all I want is to have amnesia and not remember the events that seem to cause me grief.

I don't understand people sometimes. I understand myself for the most part, and that offers some consolation. But why do people go after the things that cause them pain or act one way and speak to the contrary? I don't get that. I don't know if anyone really gets that. I can understand that sometimes there's pride or ego involved, but it loses its point after it starts to hurt you.

I've been having some rather scary dreams lately. I wake up a little shaken, maybe even a little frightened. I don't know what to do to make them go away. In them, I'm with one other person and we're both running from someone trying to hurt us. Usually they're chasing us with a knife or even a piece of glass. All I know for sure is that I end up alone, cornered and in peril of getting cut up by a psychopath. Scary, I tell you, scary. Why would I dream about this?

There's this cycle I can't seem to get out of. I don't do what I need to, and I get mad at myself. Then I think it's pointless to even try, so I don't, and then I get mad at myself again for not trying. It's repetitive.

For some reason, as I was typing that sentence, I thought to myself, I miss that place. Just me by myself, where I could sit and think. I miss things about living at home, I really do. There were days where I'd just get up really early and disappear for the whole day, doing whatever I wanted to do, and not worrying about if anyone would call from home because they knew I was enjoying my summer. Oh, how times have changed. My dad told me I was trading my freedom for responsibility. I think it's just a matter of learning how to manage the two that I have yet to master.

I woke up this morning and didn't know where I was. That hasn't happened in a long time. Maybe it's because the person who should have been next to me wasn't. I need to get out of this situation with the quickness.

Anyways, on a closing note, I guess it's safe to say that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be, but I can't be too sure on that one because I'm not done with it yet, as much as I'd like to think I am. And I hate when people make comments that diminish my experiences thus far. Fuck off if you thought I wouldn't make it out here, and cheers to those of you who have been along for the ride. I'm going to miss you all when I'm out of here in less than 2 years.

Like A Stone - Audioslave