I'm scared right now...

I've been accused of being secretive. Some say I talk too much and have a big mouth. Still others don't know how to classify me. I guess my own opinion of myself is the only one that really matters. I'm struggling to define myself using my own words. It's not as easy as you might think.

All this was spawned from me watching a commercial. I fear my own genealogy. It's not a pretty picture. It's like a flood seeping its way into your home underneath the barricade you've constructed. There's only so much you can do to protect yourself against mother nature before she takes the course she's determined to steer. Mine is coming up to the rapids, and I don't know how to swim.

If it weren't this cold, I'd jump in Greenlake to avoid a confrontation.

Like I said, I'm scared. Once something is done there's no taking it back. The past is unchangeable and the future is still uncertain. I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I'm pretty sure I don't, but humanity likes to have hope in something, even though it's dangerous.

I know what actually spawned this blog; I remember my inspiration now. I feel as though I have a few lives that I live, but primarily there are 2 of them. And I feel as though the one I thought I left behind is calling me back for some reason, and there are elements of the current one I don't like at all. Primarily where I light my hearth. It's not conducive. People from before have been coming out of the woodwork to ask my where I've been. Where ya'll nigga's been? Shiet...all hiding out and shit. Oh, wait, that's me. Or is it? Did I run and hide or did I just move on? Inhaling thrills through 20 dollar bills isn't my cup of tea anymore. I have things that most people could only dream about, and now the world comes crashing down on me. There are walls still standing strong, for which I'll call myself Samson and hold up with all my strength to keep in tact. Case in point, the girl I've given my heart to and fallen for. I love my girlfriend, and she's part of the new life and world I've constructed for myself. Yet here comes the old, beckoning me to return to my roots, and I haven't even gone that far. I won't let go of her without a fight. I love her.

And yet the world at large keeps calling me. The past is like a dead weight, trying to keep my head under water. Let me go, you had your chance, and now I'm trying to forge a new life for myself and those I love. You let me go without a hitch, and now you want me back, World? I don't think so. it doesn't work like that. Then again, why am I even having this conversation? It's no contest. I've found people who care about me and they're sticking around, no matter where I end up.

Where have I been? Where have I been? Where have I been?

Here. Or there. Around. And now is when you pick to come back into the picture? No thank you, World, no thank you. I kept my receipt, and it's still within the return policy. Have a nice day. 1/2 my world is in shambles and 1/2 is perfect. I am trying desperately to figure out if I want to fix the fucked up part by stitching it up with my own being, or cutting it loose forever. Wait, I already made my decision months ago. Once something like that is gone, it's gone forever. Or is it? I thought that it was already out of the picture, but look at me, I was wrong.