You did this to yourself...

Or better said, I did this to myself. The world isn't conspiring against me or with me. You're right. No, instead I created all these headaches with either apathy or deliberate irresponsibility. I hate myself for that.

I've pretty much lost all the connections I ever had and needed. I feel alone and don't know where to turn for help right now. Nobody can help me though. The funny thing is, people always say, "I'm here for you if you need it." But they don't really mean it, because it's beyond their capacity to give the kind of help that one requires. I need some sort of miracle, and nobody but myself is prepared to try and make one happen.

I think I might need AA too.

I hate a long list of things right now. That's right, I said hate, and I know you're thinking that I shouldn't hate anything and that I actually have the choice to hate or not. But I already know this, because like I said before, I've caused all my problems and my only consolation in the matter is that I can focus my hate. So fuck off. I'm angry.

Sometimes I think he got off easy. He goes through shit, but still, at least they are there to help him. With me, I've got nothing. Maybe I should never have left. I love them, and they say they love me too, but I see it less and less each time I see them. Maybe I need to go away from them for a while for them to appreciate me more? It seemed to work for the oldest. Speaking of which, she doesn't call anymore. I think the wedding bells drown out the sound of her phone ringing from me calling.

This blog might have misspellings or improper sentence structure or a million other pieces of shit that you would change and I would too normally, but today, I want to be human and unedited.

The last few days I've seen things and people that remind me too much of who I used to be and who I never want to be again. The last 48 hours have shown me that I can't keep being who I thought I'd become because it causes too many problems. Today showed me that I'm always going to be running. And tomorrow I might be dead. Or I could win the lotto. Who knows? All I know is that there is nothing to anchor me anymore. If I did win the lotto, you'd all be sorry that you didn't say your final goodbyes, because there's a great big world out there like the one I saw on the screen. I need to see it. Fuck school and responsibility. If I could fall asleep and never wake up, leaving nothing for anyone to have to deal with or figure out when I was gone, I'd be in dream land by now.

I fucked up. What else is new. Realistically, maybe school will be a good distraction for me. If I can get there.