If life were a pool game...

It would have been God that racked the balls and broke. But it would be all of us who take the rest of the shots. It would seem that we all are just set about to collide with one another and see what interactions occur.

Scratch.

I'm tired of letting myself down. I don't think I can be of any benefit to anyone else if I can't first help myself. I think I need to get my act together. It's sad, because a little less than two years ago, I could have handled all of this with no problem. It's amazing how much we can let ourselves fall from grace.

I just thought to myself, "I need a drink," but I'm not my father. Addiction seems to be my two steps back for every one step forward virtue has gotten me. I think it's time to get going when you look outside your window in the morning and think to yourself, "I don't like the view here anymore." Is it time for me to head home too? I wonder. I admire Brad for having the ability to head home again, especially considering it's hundreds of miles away. Me? 18 miles or so. But believe me, and if you don't, just ask Faustine, and we'll tell you the same stories we tell everyone else and we'll see what you think afterwards. There's a world of difference in just those 18 miles.

I don't know, I just feel disconnected from people. Back in the day when I first moved up here, I thought life would be better, and for a while it was, but now I see that I think I've done what I needed to do and the next step is going back home to help my family. Helping my family in turn would help me. I saw my dad for about an hour on Saturday night. He looked good, healthier, as though he'd been sober for a bit. And while I know you shouldn't live for or through other people, I felt like his son again and not the bastard child I've turned myself into over the last two and a half years.

My mom told me the other day, "You know, I don't want to say that your dad loves you more than everyone else...but...well, it's always seemed like your dad loves you more than everyone else." I want them to have a reason to love me though. Not just because I'm there son; family loves you no matter what but they also deserve a reason for having pride in you.

Here's my disclaimer: This blog is not meant to say, in any way, shape or form, that I don't love everyone I know to death. My roommates are great, as are my co-workers, the few people I've met through school and all those who've kept in any degree of contact with me from back in the day no matter how faint. And of course, the girl I love more than I knew I could, well she means more to me than words could ever express, so I think I'll just say that I love her dearly. What all this means is just that I think it's time I grew up a little, whether on my own or with the help of others to guide and steer me in the right direction, I don't know yet. But there's definitely some stuff to take care of, and it could mean a few drastic changes, from where I live to who I see to what I do with my spare time. All I want people to know is that I love my friends, no matter what course of action I choose.