Solitude

I've lied and been lied to. I've had my heart broken and broken hearts. I've sin and saved. So it goes...

I wish that I could be trusted again. I know that my words fall on deaf ears, and that you yourself probably hate me, or have hated me at some point. Do I blame you? Who knows? But what's for certain is that I'm not my harshest critic. I swear that those that wish I was a better person will always believe me to be the most horrible person on the face of the earth. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I won't change for anyone. I have changed, but it's mostly been for me or out of necessity. And yet, somehow, despite all measures of change and all evidence to the contrary, I'm branded as some sort of sinner, as the anti-hero, and someone who is not to be trusted. I might fuck up the small stuff, but when it comes to the grand scheme of things, I can be counted on. At least I think so, but that doesn't seem to matter to most people.

I'm not going to sit here anymore and wish that people were more forgiving. I hear the morning traffic outside and with more and more time passing by, think it would be so much nicer to merge into it and never come back. There's a cozy little room with my name on it 18 miles from here, and the more people distrust me and make my life difficult, the more I want to disappear and close that door behind me, only to lock it from the inside and come back out when you can't remember my name, the time we spent together, or the pain we might have caused each other.

The only thing that brings comfort to me is the thought of a glass of Cuervo sitting comfortably in my hand. Not a shot, mind you, but rather a glass. Maybe then I'll have had enough to drink that I can't remember any of this, and I can sleep without the nightmares of my betrayals haunting me and the memory of you hating me can fade away into the night. Wishful thinking. I'm a horrible friend, and you'd be smart to avoid any and all contact with me from here on out. Because if you ask around, apparently you can't trust me.