Reading, Writing, 'Rithmatic...

Well, more just the reading part. I've been reading a shit-ton lately, and not the stuff that's assigned to me either, just random stuff that I find. I think it's my new Jones I got going. I'm trying to stay away from bouts of consuming large quantities of alcohol, and thus far, I'm winning. I think. At least I'm not drinking as much as I used to. Anyways, I was reading random blogs online by hitting the "next blog" button on blogger and found a random post that really interested me. It talked about how at the time of the author's actions, they seemed to make her so happy. That the things she did seemed well worth the cost, until they vanished. An excerpt follows:

"Years and years had passed and she still didn’t forgive herself for the mistake she made. She locked herself in the dark and still cried her heart out. She did love him a lot. Perhaps a lot too much then he deserved. And there was no way she could fix her broken heart. And he was not worth her trust and love and he was not worth breaking her parents trust over her. She did learn her lesson to not fall in love again. Or maybe she was afraid that she’d get hurt again if she fell in love again. She was just a kid she had better things to do. She had a lot to achieve.

There was a lot of time when she wanted to speak the truth. But she never had the strength or the guts. Her life now was just filled with only one thing. That was guilt. The guilt of ever falling for such a guy. The guilt of breaking her parent trust. The guilt of ruining her life with her own hands."

I don't know, just made me think about a lot of the stuff that's been going on. We make rash decisions when our heart is hurt. We make stupid decisions that we think will make it feel all better. I think that the coke binge I went on a week and a half ago was my attempt at tearing out every stitch I could find on my wounded heart and seeing how well I'd recover. I did, mind you, and then this week happened. Quite possibly one of the hardest times in my life. You know why it's harder than the last time? Because the last time, I showed my true feelings. I wore my heart on my sleeve and I didn't have to worry about those consequences. Well, maybe I should have, but I sure didn't at the time. Of course, all that crying, bitching and moaning got me nothing. Other than an apartment. But that's beside the point. My whole motivation behind writing this post is lost already. But I will leave it up because I think it has a lot of truth in it. "There is some truth in your fiction, and some fiction in your truth." We paint the world how we would like to see it. I've always said that I'll think what I think because it'll make it that much easier when the shit hits the fan. Well, I’ll go on thinking what I do for now, because you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, I take that back. There are only some tricks you can teach him. I learned how to live a certain way for an extended period of time, only to have it thrown in my face. I thought we were making progress over the weekend, and then you had to show me the truth. The truth will set you free? Hmmm...I don't know how much I like this freedom.

"War is peace. Freedom is slavery," said Orwell. Makes sense. In war, you are free to fight how you wish, with all diplomatic restrictions removed. During peacetime, you have gloves on that won't let you deliver any decisive blows. And that holds you back, keeps you down, and won't let you show your true face in the fight. Me? I'd like to think I'm a diplomatic, reasonable person, but in all honesty, I probably fight dirtier than you'd think. I just read a post from almost 3 years ago and I remembered something truly sad. I was reminded that there were times in your life that used to mean so much, with people corresponding to that same importance, but now, it's no more. Go fig. I never mean to be morbid, sad or discouraging. I simply speak the truth. Or at least my version of it. And in that version, you're already a million miles away from here, having turned your back on me only a moment ago. How fast the time and miles pass.

Apologize - Timbaland ft. One Republic