Remember as a child...

...they told you that you could be or do anything? They were right. But we don't have the foresight to understand that at such a young age. Of course, the same thing applies to everything else in your life. I asked myself yesterday, "How did I not see the steps we were all taking that lead me here? It wasn't overnight that all this happened..." In one of my favorite movies ever made, Cobb, a cat burglar says, "You take it away, you show them what they had," in reference to robbing a person of all their possessions. Bill, his bumbling apprentice, doesn't quite understand it all, but I think I get it. Like I said though, it's sad that we couldn't see any of this coming until it was too late. I did appreciate what I had when it was still here, but I don't think I made that clear enough.


The days have been getting lonelier and lonelier with each one that passes, and more and more friends are lost along the way. Last night included a not so pleasant phone conversation with a friend. I don't think I did anything wrong though. Or did I? Was I judging them? And if so, was it too harshly? I hope not, because last night I felt it was the right thing to do and this morning...well, I feel a bit more guilty. Whatever. People want all sorts of exceptions made for them, regardless of the circumstances and then when you hold them accountable, they get all bent out of shape. It's about personal choice.

When you read this, don't take it as me pontificating. If anything, I'm playing devil's advocate against myself. If I can't live by a set of rules and reason, if I can't live up to my own ideals, then I've got nothing. Like Michelle would say, "Don't judge me!"


I wish I had the contact info for Death Cab For Cutie, so that way they could write and dedicate a song to me on their next album.

I just realized that there isn't anything else left to say. I'm not able to "fix" any of this shit. I can't do or say what I want to make it all better, and even if I could, it's not my decision if it would be fixed. You only have control over yourself, nothing else. Free will can be a bitch. The more time goes by, the less I believe in God. Why would such a powerful being have given me the world, only to sit by without giving corresponding advice as to how to keep it, and probably take pleasure in watching me lose it all? All I have to do is speak up, huh? Well, sorry, I'd rather keep my mouth shut. The whole world calls me closed off, and with each passing hour I think it's an accurate assessment. I feel pain either way, talking to you or not, so why not keep my dignity, which I had sacrificed so many times before, and keep my fucking mouth shut. Like I said, me talking won't fix what's broken.

I want to scream at the ocean again. Even if talking doesn't make a difference, at least pouring everything I've got left into one giant plea for understanding makes me feel a little bit better inside. Go figure. In closing, I guess maybe all this is just the payback from the world for crimes against...well, everyone. I always said I wasn't the nicest person, and now I feel the same thing I used to do to other people. If that's really the case, I'd suggest running away from me before we associate any further. Wouldn't want anyone in the world to feel how I feel right now.

Eres - Cafe Tacuba